A New Season Begins!

CEHL HQ - Toronto

Teams are set, the waiver draft is complete, and GM confidence is at an all-time high! It must be the start of the season! CEHL season 34 is set to begin tomorrow night (Tuesday March 26th) in what analysts worldwide are calling the SEASON OF MATTHEWS!!!!! We caught up with GM Mark Kostovski at a local dive bar in Toronto and his expectations could not be higher. “If this team can't win in the season of Matthews, god help us all!!!". It only took him a few more drinks to admit that should they not win, the impending fire sale would be one for the ages.

The season is also seeing 3 former tankers peak their heads out of the basement in what can only be described as exciting times in the West. GM Devin Decastro seems poised to ground and pound his opponents into submission, while the Flames and Coyotes are fielding some very great teams with some exciting young talent.

The East though a little less exciting could be a real battle for the bottom few playoff positions, with the usual suspects also competing for the top ranks.  Coming off a cup win, Connor McDavid of the New Jersey devils was not very happy to hear the CEHL board of governors decided to label this the season of Matthews. A late-night McDavid tweet of “Fuck Matthews, and fuck all Mark's” is still trending this morning, so we will see if any bad blood spills over into the season.

Good luck in the regular season boys! Make sure you lineups and ticket prices are set!!!

Is there panic in Buffalo?  With Sabres starter Jack Campbell posting an abysmal 4.41 goals against average managing a mere 2 wins in 12 starts, it’s hard not to think the upper brass has been sleeping easy.  Rumours continue to swirl that a number of teams having been kicking tires on recent EA cover star

Trevor Zegras

I’m told the reclusive GM has declined reasonable proposals, but patience may be running thin for the outspoken forward to start producing with the team direction in a state of flux.  Expiring contracts often catch the eye of rival teams, and it’s hard not to see some appeal for serious teams to consider either of the Sabres bruising forwards

Evander Kane

Timo Meier

A few GMs not willing to go on the record felt Meier could be a steal with his level of play and a cap hit of under $2.5 million.  What’s really interesting coming from a few scouts lately has been the effective play of the Sabres top pair of

Adam Larsson 

Jacob Slavin

With Slavin widely being regarded as the best positional defenseman in the league, at only $3 mil a season with term remaining he could be the centerpiece of a team looking to make an immediate impact in their own zone.  Conversely, hitting machine Larsson has made life miserable for a lot of opposing forwards, and his cap hit of only $2.5 mil a season with term remaining seems nearly criminal and had been quietly appeal by the players union when signed several seasons ago as devaluing the profession.  

Though unable to confirm, I’m prone to believe chatter that Buffalo had looked around at an upgrade in goal to mitigate the problem but were too slow out of the gate to act with a sense of urgency.  This time of year, look for rival GMs to throw anchors as opposed to life rafts but if a team comes in with a viable starter, it would be to the shock of no one to see the Sabres overpay to salvage the season.

Reporting live from a court-approved location, this is Bory Roylen for the Oro-Medonte Times.

Nick Schmaltz Sent Packing

Posted Wednesday March 27th, 2024

San Jose GM Abell pulled the trigger in a whiskey fueled rage two games into the season. Los Angeles GM Shumay desired a new pivot and the entire Sharks roster has been put on notice. As quoted during the tantrum by the Sharks GM “This is the first bum to go and it won't be the last if this season doesn't start to look a hell of a lot different than last year!”. Seen as a significant slight as a bum is stereotyped as neither willing to travel nor work, he could've used the slightly less offensive vagrant or hobo description that at least shows someone willing to support themselves by engaging in begging, scavenging, petty theft or temporary work. The nice weather enjoyed by Shark players on San Francisco bay seems to be threatened by circling storm clouds, but perhaps they can abet disaster by scratching and clawing by any means necessary. As reported by Curtis Pashelka, The Reporter.

The Calm Before the Storm  - Leafs editionL 

Rumor out of Leafs Nation is that GM Kostovski has put his team on notice that if there is no long playoff run, there will major surgery done to the roster 

TSN OVERDRIVE  4pm - 6pm

Hayes - Welcome to the show, we have a very Special guest today. GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Mark Kostovski

O'Dog- Mr Kostovski, any truth to the rumors of you threatening change if there is no success this year?

GM Kostovski - O-dog!!! Looking good man, have you lost some LBS?

O'Dog- Yes, but that doesn't answer my question.

GM Kostovski - #HayesIsAFraud 

Hayes– Not this again.

Noodles - Any truth to the Rumor?

GM Kostovski - Noodles, Maybe i can sign you next season to play goal.

GM Kostovski - i told Matthews and Maker that if we don't make the cup finals then both are being traded to the Rangers.

O-Dog - Thank you very much for this waste of time.

GM Kostovski - #HayesIsAFraud

Hayes - Ughh!!

‐---------

Turmoil in Washington!!!!

Washington beat reporter: Banter Barker - Washington DC.

It was a dark dark day in Washington as longtime cap prospect Connor Dewar was seen packing his bags with a look of disbelief on his face. We finally caught up with Dewar for a short interview and the mood was not great; “6 long years, entering my breakout season and this is how the geniuses upstairs treat me? As though they never heard of waivers before????”

GM Grant Semelman could be seen throwing paper around his office. This was of course the best case scenario which was only brought about by his inability to lift the even slightly heavy objects.

Initially Mr Semelman refused to give an interview, but could be heard screaming as he left the building. “There I go throwing 3 first round picks away again, I should have traded with Lawrence when I had the chance!!!!!” 

Certainly Dark times in Washington. Let's just hope it is not a sign of things to come this season or it could be a rocky one.

Unknown Caps player crying about the news/and or his bitcoin wallet balance. We are not sure.

Breaking: Islanders take Nate Schmidt with 1st pick in the waiver draft. MORE TO COME! 

Being a simulation “not a distraction” says GM Jake Mednick ahead of make or break season. 

News broke out amongst the Minnesota Wild players recently that they are not in fact real and are mere simulations created  for the amusement man-children. 

Early morning Wednesday, March 21st, team Alex Barkov alerted his teammates of the startling truth.

“I just tell the guys, look, sorry, none of you or any of this is real. We’re just a series of numbers generated to best represent the real life version of ourselves in a computer simulation,” Barkov said. “That doesn’t meant we don’t have a big opening night game coming up.”

The GM echoed his captains thoughts.

“I expect my players to be ready for puck drop whether their reality is a terrifying hoax or not. I can’t be certain of my reality either but I’m still on the phone day and night trying to improve the team. That’s what our fans, if they existed as anytbing more than a number on a screen, would want from us.”

The Minnesota Wild look to be one of the contenders in the Western Conference again this season and will hope to do one better than last season where they fell in the finals to the high powered but entirely simulated New Jersey Devils. 

Rangers Gm confirms top prospect Mintyukov will start the season on the pro roster

Blueshirt Banter reporter Cliff Gunter caught up with Rangers gm Mark Mead to discuss the upcoming season and how the pro roster is shaping up.

Gunter: Pavel Mintyukov finished strong in preseason and really looks like an CEHLer.

Mead: Yes

Gunter: Has Minty done enough to start the season on the pro team?

Mead: Yes

Gunter: Thank you for your time, are you going to eat those fries?

(Editors Note) GM Mead was siting in a 5 guys eating a burger with his family during this brief Meadia availability.

Commissioner Semelman Takes On The Athletic and Reddit In The Style Of A Young Jeff Bezos

Commissioner Grant Semelman of the CEHL made a shocking announcement today in his attempt to monetize the CEHL as we know it. Grant has empowered the CEHL GMs to write and submit their own frontpage articles without fear of reprisals from management and having their articles censored for national security reasons. This aspiration to be the center of truth in the fantasy hockey world is both notable and cause for celebration among our diverse and fanatical fanbase. One can only dream of the possibilties that will exist now that the gloves are off, so to speak. I reached out to CEHL Anaheim GM Dan Rudd for comment but he was unavailable to sheer his feelings on this stupendous new announcement. I'm sure his reaction could only be described as pure joy, if I had of been able to get a comment on the situation. I can't wait to read what CEHL New Jersey GM Shawn Lawrence has to say, I know that when Steve Simmons and Rory Boylen retire from writing articles about hockey, I will always have Shawn's commentary on the game to look forward too. Readily available from the best new idea on the internet, CEHL News. 

Sincerely, 

Your intrepid quasi-journalist 

Ryan Williams