We’ve done it boys.. another season. The regular season has been a rollercoaster of emotions, akin to watching a Shakespeare play directed by Tarantino. We've witnessed the rise of unexpected heroes, the fall of perennial powerhouses, and countless Facebook chat pocket-dials. Some teams emerged from the regular season with the swagger of a seasoned enforcer, while others skated away with the grace of Bambi on ice – charming, yet prone to a spectacular fall.
We had a great season everyone, give yourselves a pat on the back... but just remember: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!! I leave you with the playoff preview. I hope you enjoy.
Eastern Conference: Rivalries, Redemption, Storm Surges, and Broadway Dramas!
Washington (1) vs Tampa Bay (8)
The Capitals, under the leadership of Grant, are strutting into the playoffs with the confidence of a player who just learned a new deke in NHL '22. Facing them are Pierre's Lightning, a team with the potential to shock the hockey world more than an unexpected goalie fight. Will Vasilevskiy's glove hand be as quick as Grant's retort in the league chat? Get ready for a showdown that promises more twists and turns than a player trying to avoid a morning skate!
Ryan’s Take: ‘Our first matchup in the east is perennial powerhouse Washington who finished 16 points ahead of the 2nd place team in the division. Though, are we really surprised considering their gm is the one in charge of the sim… Tampa snuck into the playoffs by a single point but that seems to be where the luck has run out. Will Pierre be able to crack the cehl chest code that is Vasi? Stay tuned to find out!
Bold prediction for the series: this series will go at least 4 games with the capitals scoring at least 1 goal. ’
Don Cherry: ‘Well, let me tell ya, Grant's Capitals are a force, but Pierre's Lightning can strike hot. I think this one goes down to the wire, but Grant pulls through in seven – Capitals in 6!’
Donald Trump: ‘This series is a winner-takes-all, just like my election. Grant's Capitals are like the Trump Tower, soaring high, and Pierre's Lightning, they're not bad folks, but they're going to need more than a Trump rally to upset Grant. Capitals in 5!’
Tony Montana: ‘Washington and Tampa Bay, it's like a shootout, man. Grant's Capitals are spraying bullets, and Pierre's Lightning, they're dodging like they're in a gunfight. You know what? Say hello to my little friend, Capitals in 7!’
Commish: ‘Ryan, you are fired. Tampa in 7’
Buffalo (2) vs Carolina (7)
Buffalo, led by the ever-steady Nick Backstrom, is looking to charge into the playoffs like a stampede of hockey-loving buffalo. On the other side, Andrew Cogliano's Hurricanes are brewing a storm that even meteorologists would struggle to predict. Will Backstrom's leadership be as reliable as the Zamboni making its rounds, or will Carolina's surge leave Buffalo fans drenched in disappointment? Grab your raincoats; this series is about to make waves.
Ryans Take: ‘Oh boy we got a classic villain vs villain matchup!
Dr. Dick Painter (his title not his job) vs the evil empire that is the chad wise Carolina hurricanes. Both these teams have built up through extensive rebuilds and an unmatched charm when it comes to making trades. Some people claim that Dr.Dick only went into psychiatry so he could take advantage of us in trades. JOKES ON YOU PAL! YOU DONT NEED A PSYCH DEGREE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME YOU COULDA SAVED YOUR MONEY DUMMBY!
Bold prediction: Carolina will get at least two home games this series’
Don Cherry: ‘Buffalo and Carolina, it's a tussle of wills. Backstrom's got that Swedish magic, and I see the Sabres prevailing in a nail-biter – Sabres in 6!’
Donald Trump: ‘Buffalo and Carolina, it's a tremendous matchup. Backstrom is like a great negotiator, leading the Sabres with finesse. But Cogliano's Hurricanes, they've got the energy, they're like my supporters. Buffalo takes it in seven, big league – Sabres in 5!’
Tony Montana: ‘Buffalo and Carolina, it's a real fiesta! Backstrom's Sabres, they got that smooth salsa, but Cogliano's Hurricanes? They're like a hurricane tearing through the dance floor. It's gonna be one crazy party – Sabres in 6!’
Commish: With the new record of changing ticket prices per season, the Doctor seems unstoppable at this point. Meanwhile the canes seem poised to continue their first round woes. Buffalo in 6
Toronto (3) vs Ottawa (6)
The Leafs, the perennial favorites, are entering the playoffs with the swagger of a player who just scored a hat trick in fantasy. Auston Matthews is ready to dance through the opposing defense like a figure skater on fresh ice. On the flip side, Jonathan Toews and the Senators are hoping to play spoiler with the resilience of a player refusing to leave the crease during a goalmouth scramble. Will Toronto's star-studded lineup shine, or will Ottawa pen an upset story that even Hollywood would find too improbable?
Ryan’s Take: ‘The battle of Cehl Ontario! The series we have all been waiting for… after an off-season of turmoil that included a firing, the league taking control of the team, and the hiring of a new GM. The players said, Fuck this noise we goona shock the nation. And gm Anthony curatolo is loving every minute of it. He spends most nights staring at his screen tossing himself around the room when the sim hits the site.
Kostovski stinks fuck the leafs.
Bold prediction: mark will complain atleast once during this series’
Don Cherry: ‘Oh, this one's got all the makings of a classic. Matthews and the Leafs have the star power, but Ottawa's resurgence is no joke. Leafs take it, but in a hard-fought seven – Leafs in 7!’
Donald Trump: ‘Toronto, a fantastic city, and Ottawa, they've got a tremendous resurgence. Matthews is like a great deal, leading the Leafs with tremendous power. Ottawa's making a comeback, it's like a Trump comeback. Leafs in 6!’
Tony Montana: ‘Toronto and Ottawa, it's a drama, a real drama. Matthews and the Leafs, they're writing the script, and Toews and the Senators, they're trying to rewrite it. But you know, the world is mine – Leafs in 6!’
Commish: Do or die for the Leafs. Due to a technicality, Mark must win or he has to trade Matthews to #1 seed in the east. Leafs in 6
Philadelphia (4) vs New Jersey (5)
In the city of brotherly love, Jamie Benn's Flyers are looking to soar through the playoffs like a player breaking away on a breakneck rush. Meanwhile, Connor McDavid's Devils are hoping to weave some magic into their gameplan, creating plays smoother than the ice after a fresh resurface. Will Benn's gritty play be enough to leave the Devils singing the blues, or will McDavid's silky skills turn Philadelphia into a city of heartbreak? This matchup is about to serve up more drama than a goalie squabble over who gets the last donut in the locker room.
Ryan’s Take: ‘Shawn vs jeff. *best Bruce buffer impersonation* Here we go!
Philly comes flying (see what I did there?) into the postseason after a very active season. Jeff is always ready to make a trade and that showed this season as he turned this roster around pretty impressively. New Jersey of course being lead by The immortal Shawn James Lawrence. Some of Shawns favourite past times are long walks on the beach, playing dress up with his wife (not like that you sickos) and his children, and fact checking 85% of the jokes made by the league members.
Bold Prediction: this actually will be a really good series. I expect a tight one and it wouldn’t surprise me if it went 7 games. Philly in 5’
Don Cherry: ‘Benn's Flyers are a force, but McDavid's Devils are dancing into the playoffs with some magic. This one's going seven, but Philly takes it – Flyers in 7!’
Donald Trump: ‘Philadelphia and New Jersey, two terrific teams. Benn's Flyers, like a great negotiator, they'll make the deal. McDavid's Devils, they've got that magic touch. Flyers take it in six, tremendous – Flyers in 6!’
Tony Montana: ‘In the city of brotherly love, Jamie Benn's Flyers and McDavid's Devils, they're like two families going to war. Benn's Flyers, they got the muscle, but McDavid's Devils, they got the brains. It's gonna be a battle, and you know, I always say, the world is mine – Devils in 7!’
Commish: ‘Who am I to go against what the AI says? The commish that’s who! Now bow to me! Screw you AI.. NJ in 6
Western Conference: Pucks, Quacks, and Unexpected Attacks!
St. Louis (1) vs Edmonton (8)
Cory's Blues, perched atop the standings like a mountain peak, are preparing for a playoff ascent that rivals a team on a power play. Meanwhile, Andy's Oilers are looking to strike like a cobra with the speed and precision of a well-executed one-timer. Can St. Louis weather the storm of Edmonton's offensive onslaught, or will the Oilers find themselves singing the blues after encountering the resilience of a playoff-hardened team? This series is set to deliver more plot twists than a rookie realizing he forgot to tape his stick before the game.
Ryan’s Take: ‘Damn, Cory. Bring lube the next time you have a season like this. Cory pumped the league this season. Finishing with a league high 127 points winning the presidents trophy by 10 points and 22 points ahead of second in the conference (stay tuned to find out who that was).
Is there a better thing for the league than an early season Edmonton oilers struggle? After a slow start to the season Edmonton Gm ‘Uncle’ Andy Bradley completely flipped his team doing something I’ve never seen him do before. Accumulating a plethora of picks and prospects (let’s see how long that lasts this off-season) could this signal full
Tank for Edmonton ?
Bold prediction: Andy trades Rantanen after game 2’
Don Cherry: ‘St. Louis and Edmonton, it's a clash of titans. The Blues are singing a sweet victory song, and I'm calling it – Blues in 5!’
Donald Trump: ‘Cory's Blues, a real winner, they're going to win bigly. Pettersson and Toffoli, like my cabinet members, they're going to lead St. Louis to victory. Blues in 6, tremendous victory – Blues in 6!’
Tony Montana: ‘St. Louis and Edmonton, it's like a power struggle, man. Pettersson's Blues, they're playing it cool, and Andy's Oilers, they're making some bold moves. Who's gonna be the kingpin? It's gonna be a bloody throne – Blues in 6!’
Commish: ‘Two titans that I wish could both lose. Unfortunately it is an unwritten rule that a Williams must make the second round. St Louis In 6’
Los Angeles (2) vs Colorado (7)
The Kings, making a surprising appearance in the playoffs, are ready to script an underdog story that could rival the drama of a Hollywood blockbuster. Their opponent, the Avalanche, led by a roster deeper than the post-game pizza selection, is looking to bury the Kings under an offensive onslaught akin to a goal-scoring avalanche. Will the Kings script a fairy-tale ending, or will Colorado have them wondering if they accidentally stepped onto the set of a horror film? Grab your popcorn; this series is set to be more unpredictable than a puck bouncing in a goalmouth scramble.
Ryan’s Take: ‘What can we say about the Los Angeles Kings that we don’t already know? The kings and their aggressively handsome and talented gm Ryan Shumay had their best season to date under GM shumay finishing the season with a 105 points. When asked about the incredible turnaround gm Shumsy pointed to the acquisitions of Mackenzie Weegar and Evgeny Kuznetsov as the starting point. The kings will look to their goaltending and defence as the key yo the series.
Was there a team more negatively impacted by the leagues new rerate system than Brody’s avalanche ? A perennial powerhouse to the 7th seed. Hopefully the avs focus on their legal vitamins before heading off to The bright lights of LA.
Bold Prediction: one team will be upset with the results of the series’
Don Cherry: ‘The Kings are scripting an underdog story, but Colorado's Avalanche is an offensive force. It's going the distance, but I see Colorado prevailing – Avalanche in 7!’
Donald Trump: ‘Los Angeles and Colorado, two tremendous places. The Kings, they're making a comeback, it's like a Trump comeback. But Colorado, they're like a real estate deal, they've got that Avalanche. Colorado in 6, a tremendous win – Avalanche in 6!’
Tony Montana: ‘Los Angeles and Colorado, it's like a Hollywood blockbuster, you know? The Kings, they're the old-school action heroes, and Colorado's Avalanche, they're the special effects that steal the show. Get ready for a cinematic showdown. The Kings buries them in a flurry of goals – Kings in 7!’
Commish: ‘Alberta and Saskatchewan duel it out in a matchup that features fewer 80s than a hipster bar. Both teams seem poised to fight themselves into the second round with defensive oriented teams.. Alas.. fuck you ryan.. Aves in 6’
Winnipeg (3) vs Anaheim (7)
In a clash between the Jets and Ducklings, Winnipeg's high-flying trio of Sam Reinhart, Mark Scheifele, and Adrian Kempe are set to soar through the playoffs with the precision of a well-executed breakout pass. Facing off against them are Joel Eriksson-Ek's Ducklings, hoping to paddle their way to victory with the leadership of Anze Kopitar and the scoring touch of JT Miller. Can the Jets maintain their altitude against the quacking underdogs, or will Anaheim's Ducklings prove that in the playoffs, anything can happen?
Ryan’s Take: ‘Chuuuucky Clark vs Dan Dan the American.
Honestly, idk if I’ve had a conversation with chuck that lasted longer than 3 words so idk what to say about him. I think he’s got cute nephews so Congrats on the sex Mike. Dans the prototypical American, only ever caring about himself (and that’s good cause no one else does) Anaheim had some big changes this past season but he’s still number 1 in our hearts.
Bold prediction: Anaheim will have us atleast 4 games played this series’
Don Cherry: ‘Winnipeg and Anaheim, it's a battle of the titans, just the way I love it. Reinhart, Scheifele, and Kempe, they're like a trio of power forwards, ready to grind it out in the corners. But let me tell you, Eriksson-Ek, Kopitar, and Miller, they're like a fine-tuned line, looking to light the lamp with style. This series is going to be a beauty, just like a fresh bowl of my favorite grapes – Jets in 6!’
Donald Trump: ‘Winnipeg, a tremendous city, and Anaheim, they've got a tremendous team. Reinhart, Scheifele, and Kempe, they're winners. But Eriksson-Ek and Kopitar, they're tremendous competitors. Jets in 6, a tremendous victory’
Tony Montana: ‘Winnipeg and Anaheim, it's a showdown in the wild west, man. Reinhart's Jets, they're riding in like outlaws, but Joel Eriksson-Ek's Ducks, they're quick on the draw. It's gonna be a real gunfight – Jets in 7!’
Commish: ‘Chuck gets sweet sweet revenge for me and takes out the ducklings in the first round’
Minnesota (4) vs Chicago (5)
The Stars, led by the dynamic duo of Kirill Kaprizov and Joe Pavelski, are gearing up for a playoff storm wilder than an unchecked celebration in the locker room. Across the ice, Bo Horvat's Windhawks are ready to swoop in with the relentless energy of Brady Tkachuk and the precision of Valeri Nischushkin. Will Kaprizov's magic be enough to outshine the Windhawks, or will Chicago dance through Minnesota's defense like a well-choreographed power play? This series is poised to deliver more surprises than a coach discovering a hidden stash of candy in the locker room, making every shift a potential plot twist.
Ryan’s Take: ‘Jake and his band of Minnesota misfits (alliteration at its finest) are coming off a strong season and are looking to continue their impressive play in the post season.
Who the fuck is Matthew Rehman? if you guys are goona make up a gm at least give them a cooler.
Bold prediction: this series will be sponsored by babsocks’
Don Cherry: ‘Minnesota and Chicago, it's a classic showdown, just like the good ol' hockey days. Kaprizov and Pavelski, they're like a dynamic duo, bringing that Russian-American flair to the ice. But watch out for Horvat, Tkachuk, and Nischushkin, they're like a line straight out of the '70s, ready to deliver hits and goals. This series is going to be a real donnybrook, just the way I like it –Stars in 7!’
Donald Trump: ‘Minnesota and Chicago, two tremendous places. Kaprizov and Pavelski, they're winners. Horvat and Tkachuk, tremendous players. This series, it's going to be huge, believe me. Stars in 6!’
Tony Montana: ‘Minnesota and Chicago, it's a turf war, man. Kaprizov's Stars, they're the new kids on the block, but Bo Horvat's Blackhawks, they're not giving up their territory without a fight. Say hello to my little friend, Hawks in 6!’